Walking A Lonely Road

“Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.”
– Sarah Williams, “The Old Astronomer to His Pupil”

Honestly, where do I start? I’m clearly in a place I wasn’t planning on being in, after making a specific plan for my life for the first time in my life. My last semester in college, I had finally decided what I wanted to do with my future, and I applied to grad schools – and even got into one – for something I wanted to do. I no longer want to do it anymore. Why, you ask? I thought I had finally found out my purpose in life, but my life and plans were derailed in an instant. I tried so incredibly hard to get back on track, but I couldn’t and I’m now sitting here, up to my eyeballs in debt with no way out of the life I’m currently living.

I’ve created and deleted blogs over and over the past few years because I finally thought I found a voice, something more than pouring my thoughts and emotions all over the internet. I’ve wanted to find inspiration to write another post like my previous one to help inspire and inform others, whether just on the internet or to help them research for a school project or to simply become better individuals, but I can’t.

I’ve lost my voice and my purpose in life; I don’t know how to find it again and it makes me feel so incredibly hopeless. With everything that has happened to me the past couple years just makes me think I’m not meant to be anything more than the mediocre person I am – because I don’t have any great talent, I’ve always been mediocre at anything I do.

Sometimes I even wonder why I’m even on social media. Is it to stay informed? To connect with people from around the world? Or are they an escape from my boring and uneventful life? I think it’s a little bit of everything, including looking at other people’s perfect life they create for themselves online and I envy what they have; their beauty, talent, and relationships with family and friends.

I hate to say it, but I – along with so many others – seek approval from family, friends, colleagues, and complete strangers based on how many likes our facebook posts, tweets, and instagram photos get. We want to know that we are worthy of being liked and if we don’t get a certain amount of likes, or even interactions, we feel like we don’t matter. I’m sure not everyone feels that way about social media, but for many of us who are incapable of being fluent in human interaction, especially without stumbling over words and being embarrassed, I feel that the likes I get on social media are equivalent to people actually liking me in real life. I want to be liked by everyone, but sometimes it backfires when I show my flaws. I feel like I am full of flaws and that’s the main reason why I think people forget about me because I’m not pretty or a perfect specimen worth knowing.

I know it’s not easy, but I’m trying not to feel so inferior to everyone else in this world who is more beautiful and successful than me and just be happy for them for having the life that they have.

I want to be happy one day and it won’t happen if I continue to compare myself to other people.

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